Top 5 Videos Sent by Friends via email

(1) Proper use of a fork

Context: Friend sharing their adult triumph of  eating successfully. Specifically, eating cereal with a fork like a classy ass bitch.

I say to my friend:  “WHY are you eating cereal with a fork? Did you use yogurt instead of milk? I will allow it, if so. Otherwise, you need to revisit the proper use of forks. See: Little Mermaid, Dinglehopper.”

My friend’s reply :
“I WAS UBER IMPRESSED BY AND PLEASED WITH YOUR LITTLE MERMAID REFERENCE. that shit is magical. i am of course now listening to the soundtrack. at my desk. at work. because i’m a professional young woman. so i will blame you when i inevitably spend the next three days singing ‘under the sea.’ but it’s totally worth it.
In other disney related news, when your brain need a rest from all that proposal writing, take a few minutes to watch this gem, which is the intro to Beauty and the Beast, if Belle were a gay man. Obviously.”

(2) Proper drinks to order

Context: discussing the best rum based mixed drink beverage for book club.

“Perhaps, given the heat and the presence of rum, we can do Guys and Dolls styled dulce de leche cocktails.”

Waiter: What’s your pleasure?
Marlon Brando: Drinking.
Waiter: What’s your pleasure?
Jean Simmons: Milk, please.
Brando: Don’t make a spectacle of yourself.
Simmons: Milk.
Brando: You are a United States citizen in a foreign country. Have you no pride in what the world thinks about Americans?
Simmons: Milk!
Brando: [to waiter] Dulce de leche. Dos.
Simmons: What did you order?
Brando: Dulce de leche. Dulce is the Spanish word for “sweet”. De means “of’ and leche means “milk”.
Simmons: Sweet of milk. Don’t they serve it plain?
Brando: Well, only in the mornings. It has to do with the heat. At night they put a kind of preservative init.
Simmons: That’s interesting. What do they use?
Brando: Bacardi.
Simmons: Doesn’t that have alcohol in it?
Brando: Well, just enough to keep the milk from turning sour.

(3) Proper ways to express emotions to friends

Context: Almost time for book club, and our alpha male member says…

“Ummm guess how excited I am to see everyone…This much excited… ”


(4) Proper promotion of discount shopping deals

Context: My book club is composed of great, funny people and we like to share media while coordinating meeting time and place.

Book Club Male #2 says: “I propose at next book club, we exchange stories of comical/absurd college roommates.  Also, if you haven’t seen Dollar Shave Club, it’s great. I’ve signed up. Happy Friday, y’all.”

(5) Proper application of humor to encourage exercise

Context: My friend and I signed up for boot camp and unlimited month long access at the YWCA.

“Saturday at 10am — new class at the Y. Piloxing. It looks ridiculous. Shall we? I mean, we did buy that unlimited pass… i promise that you don’t have to wear pink or black if you don’t want to.”